Motherhood.

This is one new mother's perspective on being a new mother and all that comes with it. This post may or may not offend people but that is not my goal. My goal is to be honest and real with how I feel and what I have experienced, good and bad.

Becoming a mother has been wild. It has felt so natural, destined, joyful but so jarring, harsh, humbling and exhausting. I have always thought of myself as a generous person, someone who puts others before my needs. With time, with love, with money. Never, ever, would I have predicted how much I would have to give of myself to be the mother I want to be. I have described this feeling as being a "slave" (sorry if that's not PC) to my baby. I have felt trapped and chained to my baby. It can be overwhelming to know that I, solely, am all my baby needs to survive. I am his lifeline on this Earth. He needs me for food, for comfort, for love, for sleep. I feel like after 5 months, I am starting to accept this as a fact and a reality to my life now. And I am definitely starting to find the beauty and the privilege that comes with being a mother (in any form, surrogate, adoption, ect). But there is not a day that goes by where don't think "if only I wasn't needed so much, maybe I would feel more free and more like Meghan". Is that bad to say? Maybe? Do I care about being judged at this point? Absolutely not.

Becoming a mother has also made me insanely sure of myself and confident but at the same time confused and defensive. I mean, I grew a HUMAN in me and pushed a HUMAN out of me. And I don't want that statement to diminish any other mothers who were not able to carry a child or had to deliver a child in a different manner than I did. This is just my perspective and how it has changed me. Okay, back to it. I have never been one to shy away from conflict or be afraid to share my opinions or thoughts. I am strong willed and stubborn. I am also impatient and quick tempered. I don't show grace where I could. I choose anger over compassion. I pity myself at times instead of realizing that I have it pretty good in all forms.

The part that I am struggling with the most is everyone else in my life (close and far). My new focus is purely on my baby, my husband and me. How my new family functions. How my new family finds happiness. How my new family thrives. How my new family struggles. It is so incredibly hard for me to find the patience, grace and compassion for all of the questions, comments on parenting, and unwanted advice I receive constantly. Even if all of them come from a place of love and good intentions. And I know that maybe my new focus is my new form of selfish. But I am a firm believer in self love, self achievement and self growth in order to give the best that I can to others. If I can't find my own happiness, how can I spread happiness to others. And maybe the answer is just that. Give others happiness and you will find your happiness.

Every child, every mother, every father, every family is different. No one is like the other. No one has had the EXACT same experience as me. We could have incredibly similar experiences but nothing identical. And that is why I can't stand when others give unwanted advice, comments and opinions on a certain topic or situation pertaining to my child, motherhood, or parenthood. I do not discredit that everyone holds value and valuable advice but I wish there was a universal understanding that your perspective and your experience is just that. YOURS. Not mine.

Now before I make myself sick with ranting if I haven't already made you sick of it I want to give an example. "Does your baby sleep through the night?" Why does this even matter to other people? If I say yes, my baby does, then it likes "GOLD STAR FOR YOU!! Good job!! You have an angel baby." If I say no, it is like "Oh, I am so sorry, that sucks. Maybe you are putting your baby to bed too early or too late. Maybe something is wrong with your baby. Maybe you shouldn't feed them at night. Maybe you are over thinking it." Nothing is wrong with my baby. My baby is being a BABY. All babies have different needs and different struggles and achievements.

I think at the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that I don't want to be questioned. I don't want to be doubted. I don't care if all the questions and comments come from wanting to understand my parenting technique or style so there can be support. You don't need to understand. It is none of your business. You just need to respect me and my right as a mother to do what I believe is best for my child. How can someone else feel like they know what is best for my child when they don't spend all of their time with said child? I spend 24 hours a day with my baby; pretty sure I am the expert in my baby. Not saying I know all the answers or don't mess up and realize maybe there is a better or different way. But, at the end of the day, I am going to do what is best for my child.

Part of respecting other mothers, fathers, parents and families is holding value in the right to express feelings. Good or bad feelings. Sometimes I just need to vent or complain; it is a way of processing for me. It doesn't mean I want advice. It means, I just want to be heard. I want to feel like someone is listening. And, listening doesn't always involve in responding with advice. Listening can be just that. Just listen. Maybe sympathize. Say, "I am sorry. That is not fun but your feelings are valid. And thank you for sharing how you feel with me." I try to view people coming to me with complaints or rants as a positive. That person trusts me with their feelings. They trust that I won't judge them for feeling negative or down about something. In the same light, when I complain or vent to people it is because I feel secure with them. I trust they won't judge me for probably being irrational and dramatic about my day. I know at the end of the day, they love me and know my heart.

Now for how much it has seemed like I have bitched in the above paragraphs, I don't want it to seem like all I focus on is the negative. It is not. Not by far. Ever since becoming a mother, I have felt so much genuine love and support from those closest to me and those I haven't talked to in years. Motherhood is wild and I don't think any mother would say different. I love my child more than I can explain yet I know other mothers understand it. They understand the complete suffocation of a mother's love. It is all consuming. It is God-given. It is a miracle. It is satisfying. It is joyful.

If I thought I was emotional and a deep feeler or thinker before being a mom, man I was WRONG. I have never felt so many emotions or depth of emotions before in my life. So much happiness. So much joy. So much excitement. So much exhaustion. So much pure love. And I try to cherish every single day even if I fail at it in the moment. I try to embrace all the experiences, good and bad because I will never get that same moment again. Before I know it, my baby won't be a baby anymore and that makes me so sad yet so hopeful for the future.

Every mother, child and family is precious. Every human is precious. Every experience is unique. I just pray that going forward I can be joyful, hopeful, graceful, strong, honest, unafraid and pour love into all those I encounter. Live and let live.