Typically I am a very outgoing person and people would call me a "social butterfly" but the more and more I observe my own thoughts and interactions, I wonder how much of my personality or my interactions are calculated? I find myself wanting more and more to control my surroundings and my environment so I can protect myself. I am shielding myself from judgement, opinions, harsh words or just anything that is the opposition to me. Sometimes I crave to just be alone and be doing what I want, regardless of what others think. Of course, at times that is healthy for just mental wellbeing but at other times, I wonder how harmful that is to myself?
How much does that part of me, keep me from functioning in truth and in reality? I am sure most of us in the world would wish to have one day where everything went our way, where everyone communicated how we want, everyone thinks and feels the same as us, so on and so forth. But, I know in my heart that would be so boring. If that were true, we wouldn't ever feel satisfied. We wouldn't ever know what it felt like to find someone who emphasized or understood exactly how we felt. We would all feel the same. There would be no differences between people. No way to connect.
I guess I just wonder how to balance the two sides of myself. The side that wants to find connection and relationship with others. Wants to find the beauty in our differences. And the other side who just wants to be alone and not be exposed to the world and its negativity. I don't really know how to do that but I guess all I can do is take it day by day and do what feels right? As lame as that sounds, maybe that is the answer. Listen to my heart and see where it takes me.
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